Regular Expressions
by sunnycalendargirl
Summary: Every relationship has its share of common events, old habits and quirks.


Every successful ninja avoided the very concept of routine in ways that bordered on the insane. It was common sense really, realizing that predictability was simply another form of vulnerability. If an enemy could predict one's behavior, the hole that left in a ninja's ability to defend themselves was enormous. Even in the safer climate of their home villages, there remained a certain vigilance regarding the need to be unpredictable. It also made it so much easier to track others who weren't as skilled at avoiding these habits.

It was an unwritten law, and so it was with great surprise late one afternoon that Kakashi found himself frowning at a face he hadn't been expecting when he arrived to turn in his mission report before heading home for a good, long rest. There was a disconnect in his expected experience of this average chore, something that was tipping him slightly off-kilter. It wasn't until he'd tucked the book he'd been reading while in line back into a pocket without making a conscious choice to do so that Kakashi was able to truly focus on his surroundings. Specifically he had his eye out for anything that felt outside of the normal range of insanity a room full of eager or weary ninjas reporting in for missions or being assigned missions can create.

His first visual sweep covered the walls, meticulously counting the protection for the room, ANBU under orders to protect clients as they came and went each day. Recognizing several of them by feel, and the others by a slip here and there that allowed him to identify them fully. They were all jounin he would have accepted in those positions and so checked them off his list of what might be tweaking his discomfort monitor.

With security evaluated, Kakashi turned his eyes to the Hokage as she yawned behind her forearm, cheeks flushed with strength of her yawn. That sight as well fell into his personal normal operating parameters for the task he was here to perform, and so he added another check to his list, and turned to the next target. He was sure Iruka would help to establish the normalcy of this place and allow Kakashi to determine what had changed here and was tripping him up.

By the time Kakashi reached the front of the line to turn in his report, his eye had acquired a slight twitch primarily caused by his delayed realization that the person taking reports was not, as he expected, Iruka, but another chuunin that Kakashi had no real interest in remembering. This, he knew, was something that would throw him off for hours unless he got this sorted out. It almost made him want to track down the absent ninja and throttle him for removing one of Kakashi's best ways to disrupt his monotony by doing something that will inevitably aggravate Iruka to some point of frustration that would lead to a completely unpredictable round of "kill the jounin" or "kneecap the jounin" or Kakashi's personal favorite, "watch the chuunin try to hold onto his pants while being dangled over the lake by an irate Kakashi". He was sure it seemed childish to some of their comrades, this complete abandonment of responsibility, rules and behavior, but this spark of conflict with someone Kakashi could trust completely was one of the very few habits he would allow himself to retain for as long as possible.

Between the two of them, they'd come up with close to three dozen ways to break up routines and monotonous behavior. Both would have to admit that at least seven out of every ten times one of them ended up with stitches or swathed in bandages, but neither seemed to mind terribly much, as the more wounded was usually the first to take up the torch of inciting the next incident. It helped that ten times out of ten, they also ended up naked and sweaty together at the end of the day, injured or not.

What frustrated Kakashi, however, after a mission away, was that his playmate was not where he was supposed to be; a point of logic that twisted his brain in painful ways. Iruka was a ninja, and a good one, so he shouldn't be predictable and easy to locate. Still, Kakashi expected him to be here, and he wasn't, which made his eye twitch again. Frowning, he handed his report in to the substitute who was spoiling all of his fun for the afternoon.

The amused look Lady Tsunade was giving him wasn't helping either, and that weird gleam in her eye that implied she knew more about Kakashi than he, himself did, had him tugging his mask up and his hitai-ite down to cover as much of his face as he could, instinctively. He never appreciated it when the people who had power over his life and death found things about him to be amusing. It usually meant some sort of interruption into how he wanted to live his private life. Still, he just couldn't leave without asking something about why this unpredictable shift that should have been expected had happened.

"I thought the academy instructors were all rolling off the mission lists with the graduation exams coming up soon," he smoothly launched his opening salvo. "Are we shorthanded enough that they're being sent out on missions as well?" Curiosity, he told himself repeatedly. He was just curious about the change in mission room staff, and not where his favorite playmate, or in some cases toy, had gotten himself off to.

"It was quiet earlier, so we let a few people out early to enjoy the fall weather." Tsunade paused, hiding a small smile behind her hand. "We practically had to toss Iruka-sensei out of the window to get him to leave."

"If you'd waited a bit I'd have done it for you," Kakashi muttered, still a bit steamed about the beetles Iruka has somehow stashed in Kakashi's kunai and shuriken holders while assigning him his next mission. It was a good lesson, however, Kakashi would admit, in how dangerous it was to plant your ass on the desk of someone you'd already worked into a foaming lather of indignation and turn your back on them while you looked over your next assignment.

"I'm fairly sure the sight of you heading into the building gave him enough incentive to take our generous offer to push him out. He was muttering something about locking his drawers and battening his hatches as he took off to the east." Tsunade found nothing but entertainment in the social interactions of two of her most useful ninja. "There was some mention about his home having been infested with underwear thieves… or was it thieves infested with underwear?" She paused to glance at Shizune for clarification.

"I believe the rumor, Lady Tsunade, states that there have been several victims of a thief who slips in late at night, into occupied houses or empty places when residents are away, and takes exactly one pair of underwear from the house if they're male underwear, and a matching top and bottom set if it's a woman in the house." Shizune blushed lightly at the thought of it. "No one has been able to track the thief down, but given the list of targets, it's most likely one of us. All of the places hit are Leaf ninja residences, and all of ninja on active duty."

"So anyone who could be the culprit would have to be pretty clever to get past the traps, barriers and detection devices any sane ninja would use to protect their home." Kakashi rubbed his chin thoughtfully as his clever mind began to twist its way through the population of the village, weeding out the civilians, the young pre-genin and most genin, from his list of offenders. That roundabout path brought him right back to focusing on his fellow jounin and possibly the chuunin. "So Iruka's apartment was hit as well? I wonder what they took."

Shizune checked her notes and then looked up, puzzled. "He reported the theft of two sets of underwear." She turned to face Tsunade curiously. "Does Iruka-sensei have a ward these days? Are any of his kids staying over to stay away from home? I know he allows that every now and then."

Tsunade thought back through the afternoon's conversation. "I believe he said two adult pairs were taken." Like Shizune, Tsunade was confused by the volume of theft. "Iruka-sensei doesn't have a roommate, does he?"

"No way," Kakashi offered absentmindedly, as he was only half paying attention by this point, having snagged the theft report list from Shizune's arms to review it. "His place is too small to fit anything other than himself, his things and an occasional round of rabid orange genin on a spare futon." He paused to think. "Besides, anyone moving in there would have to share space with Naruto at a whim. The boy has no concept of propriety much less the need to knock before opening a door." That had been an experience Kakashi would never forget.

Kakashi resumed perusing the list, noting locations around the village, his brain spinning out a map of movement through the village based on target location, dates and what he knew of the local weather each day. Locking the pattern into his mind, he looked up at the two women. "It disturbs me in ways I can't express that I may have figured this out."

Both women perked up considerably at the good news. "Tells us what you've found, Kakashi. I'll treat you to a few drinks if it pans out." Tsunade could be generous, if it meant fewer reams of paper to wade through.

"I want to… but something feels off here." Kakashi looked around the room again, his sense of chi offset and off-balance by the absence of the straight man to his funny guy. This was one of those deductions that needed to be presented in a grand manner. Kakashi would start his explanation, lose himself on a tangent, receive a sharp elbow to the spine to get him back on track, come close to finishing what he had to say, only to tangent off again and be roped back in to conclude with a solid whack to the back of his head. He just wasn't sure he could perform properly without them.

So he hemmed and hawed and did his best to put off telling them until salvation came in the form of Iruka-sensei slipping back in to retrieve some paperwork he'd meant to take with him. Iruka allowed himself to be waved into the conversation, which settled things nicely for Kakashi. Now he could get this over with, as long as he got it done quickly.

"It's pretty obvious, Lady Tsunade, when you look at the wave of places hit, the date and time, and then compare it to the A and B rank mission reports received. You see, the largest number of thefts that occur earlier in the evenings, say before midnight, happened within six blocks of the most popular bars for post-mission celebration. Those celebrations are important, of course, to allow ninja to let go, relax, have some fun, and if we're lucky, meet up with that certain someone who may not be the right person forever, but will work as the right person right now."

The elbow hit his spine solidly at just the right point in his tangent, forcing Kakashi to grunt lightly and rub his back. "Ah, yes, as Iruka-sensei was so kindly saying, I've derailed slightly in my explanation. To continue, we all know that these bar visits tend to lead to more amorous pursuits in the alleyways and dark corners in the neighborhood. Clothes come off, rip off, fall down, and so on. We've all been there at some point, so I'm sure you understand." Stepping slightly to the side, Kakashi avoided a second elbow to a kidney.

"I'm sure all of us can also console with a person who, in a rush of amorous adventure happens to lose their undergarments through various means, during that rush. Cut off by kunai, shredded by claws, ripped, snagged, burned, really so many ways to lose your boxers, so to speak. Of course once they're destroyed, there's no way to get them back on long enough to make your way home comfortably." This time the strike to kidney that came his way was a feint and Kakashi took the thwap on the back of his head in good grace.

"What I mean to say is, your ninja are fucking on street corners and in alleys, destroying their underwear and poaching the next easiest set they can get their hands on so their uniform pants don't chafe them raw the entire rest of their trip home." Kakashi finished his explanation, quite pleased with himself.

There was a short silence while everyone thought this through and then groaned, realizing that not only was it possible this was the case, but that knowing their ninja, it was almost logical, in a twisted, insane sort of way. Tsunade made a mental note to discuss installing vending machines for the undergarment-challenged near or in the major bars in town. Anything to keep the civilians from realizing what kind of twisted people were responsible for caring for them and keeping them safe.

"Kakashi," Shizune looked up from her notes thoughtfully, "that explains a lot, but what about Iruka-sensei's theft? Why did he lose more than just one pair?"

Hiding a thoroughly wicked grin beneath his mask, Kakashi shrugged cheerfully. "He was starting to bitch about having to wear mine all the time when I talked him into sleeping over. It seemed like a good time to stock up at my place."

Kakashi wasn't surprised when strong fingers snagged his hair firmly and he felt himself being tugged towards the nearest open window. "I mean, you have to understand, his apartment is tiny. The bed is barely big enough for one. I ask and I ask him to move in with me, but I've been reduced to moving him in a piece of clothing at a time."

Anything further he would have added to the conversation went unheard as he went flying out the window head first, with Iruka's foot on his ass to give him some momentum. Task finished, Iruka took up the paperwork he'd forgotten, nodded to Tsunade and Shizune, and went down to scrape his lover off the sidewalk and take him home for a good long talk on privacy and boundaries, although he was fairly sure it would be far too little, too late.

"At least you stole something I already owned and didn't go out and buy any of those ridiculous things you were showing me in that catalog," Iruka grumbled as he tugged Kakashi to his feet. "I'd freeze my ass off in those things."

"I'd always be there to help warm it back up for you," Kakashi offered cheerfully, feeling a bit better about his day now that he'd reclaimed a routine that should be considered dangerous but wasn't because of the unpredictability of the other party involved.

Iruka had described it to him as the concept of regular expressions; a formula which was static but which could take in different variables and produce a useful output. Those steps in between were the seeds of their routine that allowed them to bicker and make up, all without exposing themselves to anyone.


End file.
